uncharted's 5 Rules of Transit Etiquette

Well, today is hump day, but for some reason it seems like I've already endured a whole week of transit rudeness in the past few days. To get out some frustration (and to prevent me from making good on my threat to kick the loser one cubicle over in the neckface), here are uncharted's 5 Rules of Transit Etiquette (aka: what it takes for me to successfully fight the urge to kill you if you're ever lucky enough to take an ETS jaunt with me...):

1. Stop staring at me! Stop it! Unless I resemble some random celebrity (which I don't), am walking around with a long strand of toilet paper attached to my shoes or picking my nose (not lately, anyway), or have started staring at you first...I see no reason why I am that captivating. None. There is a reason that there are advertisements on train cars and in buses...so that, if you have an insatiable urge to stare, you can become a corporate whore instead of creeping out the person across from you. If you stare at me long enough, I will start haunting you in your dreams. Do you want that? No, I didn't think so.
2. If you insist on talking about the amazing sex you had last night, or the awesome tattoo that you're getting next week (a big lettered "CRUNK" written across the chest with...[drum roll, please]...fake tattoo abs. Yes, unfortunately, I'm completely serious) please do so in a way that the whole car, the driver in the car next to you, and the rats underground can't hear you. Also, please refrain from lifting up your shirt to show us the "CRUNK" placement in relation to your little boy nipples.
3. It is customary (I know, only customary...but still) to allow people to get off the train before you get on. This not only entails not stepping onto the train itself, but also not standing directly in front of the doors so that the riders who want to exit actually have the space to do so. This very simple concept seems to be completely beyond the vast majority of transit ridership...especially the early morning crowd who seem to have had their feet cemented to the ground. Failing to do this will result in a very bizarre staring contest until I lose all self-control and elbow you just above your left temple.
4. If you and your 4 friends insist on walking all in a row, please ensure that you have not blocked off any and all exit off the platform. If you're one of those people who insists on continuing to chat with your friend standing *next* to them on the same escalator step (not one above or below), then be forewarned that I may snap at any time. Just in case anyone is unclear here...the LEFT side of the escalator is for those who'd like to make a speedy above-ground exit, the RIGHT side is for those who prefer to remain stationary and let the escalator do its thing.
5. Unless your ass is the size of a small house, it is rude to take up 4 seats for the price of one. Assuming that you're of normal assage, sit the hell down in *one* seat and put whatever bags/purse/box of drug money you may have in your lap or at your feet. Your grocery bag of Doritos and your purse are NOT so important that they should be causing others to stand due to a lack of seating - even though I realize that if you don't have easy access to your Doritos, it will most certainly be the end of the world. Whatever has an ass should have a seat, whatever is completely and totally inanimate and will not tire from standing for the 40 minute bus ride to West Ed SHOULD NOT GET A SEAT. These are very simple rules to follow. As an addendum, just in case we aren't clear, "a seat" includes both the seat and the floor space below it. Unless I am severely lacking in certain body parts (which I very well may be, but that is another story entirely), I will need somewhere to put my legs and feet...and your lap is not an acceptable spot. Putting your stinky gym bag in the floor so that I am forced to hold up my feet for 25 minutes is not ok. As you may have already witnessed, I will eventually get tired of holding my legs in the air, and will then rest my dirty boots on your bag, leaving lovely hooker-boot-marks on the top when I leave.

From time to time, I admit that I may be a tad intolerant of people in general...but, seriously, I don't think that I'm asking too much. Perhaps I can print this up as some public service announcement and get ETS to hand them out as flyers? No? Fine, then. Did I mention that I can't wait until I get my car in August?