| Saturday, February 19, 2005 |
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Safe I spent all of last night looking through the somewhat sparse evidence of my life. By all accounts, it was a good one...anyone who pawed through my old photographs and hidden mementos would know that. As I sat in the midst of my old life, I was overwhelmed with a sense of safety and, more importantly, total ease. It's true that I ran from this life as fast as I possibly could, some 3.5 years ago...but it wasn't life as a whole I was running from, it was one small aspect of that life that I could no longer deal with. As I sit here at my old desk, staring at pictures of my old friends, my feet on my bed as they always were…I almost regret leaving in the first place. My desk is currently covered with pictures of Tony in his superman pose, our once-inseparable group of 3 couples smiling proudly on our way to graduation, the picture in front of the Eiffel Tower from my scholarship trip to Europe. The claddagh ring that my high school ex brought back for me from Scotland, the chocolate rose that I received from a co-worker on Valentine's Day. My old high school year books and the slate core from my mining adventure in Flin Flon. Maybe I'm just not as sentimental as I used to be, or maybe I take it all for granted...but I don't have these little things anymore. I have no box of treasures; no evidence of my life. It's not that I don't enjoy my life in Edmonton. I have made incredible friendships, grown more than I possibly could have here in the 'Peg, and gone through many amazing experiences. What I now lack is that safe and secure feeling that I once had. It feels that I am in a constant state of turmoil...and every time when I finally claw my way out of it - as I recently had - I fall right back in again. I have always been one to push forward, break through to the other side and keep going. Right now all I want to do is go back. I miss feeling safe. . Liberated at 8:54 a.m. | |
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